Christmas is like:

Sometimes...

when the collection comes around during mass I want to throw my money on the floor and say "pick it up".

"This traffic is Ludacris"

 I don't think we should whine about how fucking busy the high streets are this time of year. We (I) should know to avoid them or failing that do something positive like christmas carolling for those stressed shoppers. I was thinking something along the lines of:

MOVE BITCH GET OUT THE WAY. GET OUT THE WAY BITCH GET OUT THE WAY.







OHHHHH NOOOO! FIGHT'S OUT!!!!

Mamma I'm a millionaire, but I feel like a bum...

"If you got dogs then you got bitches. Bitches always out to put their paws on your riches"

The problem begins with the conditional. "If 'dogs' then 'bitches'"* is a simple phallocentric condition with women defined by their relationship to men both semantically (dog/bitch) and logically (If dog then bitch). The construct would be considered the basic faulty reasoning of every misogynist, but this reasoning belongs to the 'dog' alone and is a path that leads back to him**.

Tiger is a fool but he's not an exception. He is not the only married man to cheat. He is not the only man  to cheat on an attractive spouse with an ugly mistress***. These instances are, at a guess, a minority (Jeremy Kyle may contest otherwise) but are interesting to note as we ask ourselves why would you risk it (true love; the distant, faltering feeling of affection) for anything less?

"Why not? I'M TIGER BITCH! BARK! BARK!"

I wish Tiger would declare this at a press conference and roar with satisfaction, like a lion after fucking and gutting bear. Then, clambering on to the press table, he would urinate on the front row in an even manner as if lovingly watering his parched plants. The hot, fetid piss would fill the crowded room with the contempt he feels for the world it would reek of the distrust he holds for women and the disgust he feels for himself and the abstraction referred to as "those other people" - humanity. Ultimately, while stood above the steamy aftermath, he knows he pisses alone.

In someway I believe this is true of every man.


Just remember: "Tiger woulds, y'naw?"

* The contrapositive is, 'no Bitches, no dogs'. That shit is the truth.

** This is a convoluted way of saying "the way you think of others suggests something about the way you think of yourself" which is, of course, one of those 'pearls of wisdom' that appears to says a lot but also nothing at all due to its ambiguity. For example, "I avoid and ignore the homeless" either shows my mistrust and subsequent lack of concern for those less fortunate than myself, or that my repulsion is a prudent measure against the probability of being accosted which implies the unconscious assumption that were I destitute I would seriously consider accosting/robbing/annoying someone that appeared to have money. But, if you think about it, I sort of condone and understand this, and if I didn't it's because I'd be a better class of tramp than you "you fucking loser". It's a veritable "good samaritan's" mess.

*** This assumes he estimates their value solely on appearance, which we would argue does not measure up to the standards set by his supermodel wife. But, perhaps they were more attentive, charming or dominating maybe they had matching star signs or they cupped his balls and whispered to them; who knows? However, Tiger did, supposedly, maintain relationships with a few of his mistresses so he may not have 'settled for less' but perhaps gained more.

SCUM Manifesto

"I am a turd; a lowly abject turd"

This blog is gradually turning into a list of my flaws (vanity, laziness, immaturity, owning a Mac...).

With this in mind, I proudly offer my 'lads' trip to Brighton (for some reason my friend decided the seaside in early December would be the ideal place to celebrate his birthday. As expected the hotel was a dog shit hovel facing the sea. It was the cliche of poor accommodation from the obligatory smell of piss to the dysfunctional and hazardous furnishings. Pretty good for £15 a night tho.)

The conceit of a 'lad's' trip is one that I could easily over analyse for it's insights in to masculinity, but really that's some bullshit.



ANTI - GAME: Misogyny and the fragile ego. 


S: I think our best bet is with the fat chicks.


S: I don't understand what happened... This girl walked past us and smiled and we just sat there on the edge of the table swinging our legs and giggling like children.


A: I dunno what happened. I was just scared of rejection.

The Politics of Aesthetics: Love and loss. 


S: What did she look like?
N: I opened my eyes but then I had to close them.


J: ... I even saw some little blind kid turn his head and start crying.






Denial: Orientalist tropes of the sexually submissive Asian.

V: What? Fuck off! Nah he was just being friendly.

The Super Ego: Delusions of grandeur.


A: I didn't bring ID.





Much love to Valerie Solanas

Buy (RED)

I was recently reminded Lilo was a top-grade ranga and (arguably) the heir apparent to Julianne Moore.

But then she fell off and is now to gingers what MJ was to black people.

But why? You could argue there was pressure from the primitive simps in the entertainment industry, but what were they responding to? You. It is my contention the ranga remains a social pariah, ridiculed for their fiery manes and forced into lies like, "it's more an auburn-y, strawberry blond colour".

WTF son? It's red, ginger even, and maybe slightly orange. Rangas need to stand up.
    




I think we should collectively say, "Sorry Lindsay...motherfucker!".

Don't dye or lie.


Love xx

p.s. 'Dye' and 'die' are homonyms - think about it.