"He's got mad game."

Hero status.

Dear Facebook

 

"Really? But it's only one page and it's mostly photos.

They're not even of me."

"I'm Love's MVP and I ain't goin nowhere so you can get to know me"

Love can do funny things to you.

Take 'The Game' for example.

WTF playa? Hawaiian shirts? Is that you.....'JP'?

I always kick a man when he's down. Why would you put him there if you didn't intend to keep him there?

Some of his greatest moments.

Merde!

Bernard-Henri Lévy a laughing stock for quoting fictional philosopher

"A philosopher who’s never taught the subject in any university, a journalist who creates a cocktail mingling the true, the possible, and the totally false, a patch-work filmmaker, a writer without a real literary oeuvre, he is the icon of a media-driven society in which simple appearance weighs more than the substance of things. BHL is thus first and foremost a great communicator, the PR man of the only product he really knows how to sell: himself."

props to www.keinmensch.wordpress.com pour le link.

Moment of Zen

"If you don't like funerals don't kick sand in a ninja's face".

Hello. My name is Vincent and I have a WKD side.

This isn't the definitive list I hoped it would be. Instead, it's more a 'mixtape' of songs that were playing during moments of alienation in various social settings: Lloyds Bar, gyms, strip clubs, house parties, school discos, the years 1998 -2010. 
That said, some of these are the greatest songs ever made and one day I WILL get 'Krunk' - if and when that term comes back.

This is a selection of what I will tentatively label Slagology.

"I got a double bed, One's to sleep on the other one's to get my freak on"

Chappelle has got Kelly covered on this one. In summary: "...and they gave a 15 yr old boy life in jail. If you think that it's okay to give him life in jail then it should be legal to pee on him. That's all I'm sayin' ". 

"Unforgettable. Fiddy Cent -dee cent. Justen -ten. Timberlan -lan. Goddam -dam".


Masterpiece.

"But we kick 'em to the curb unless they look like Mick Jagger"

Kesha is rough - in a grisly roadkill kind of way. She has the traits of a Jagger, which makes the above quotation quite disturbing. Sooner or later Mick's gonna fuck one of his many illegitimate children making this a very, very tragic song. But, this song does make me happy in ways I don't quite understand. Perhaps it's the possibility she's immortalised her Oedipal mistake in a catchy pop song? Yeah, I think that's it, the irony thing init?

"I'm Horny! Horny, horny, horny! So horny, I'm horny, horny, horny tonight."


Primary School was the first time I wondered 'is there any point to life?' It gave me something to think about while I sat through the mandatory school discos resenting songs like this one.

"some of them call me Einstein. I'm a lyrical dan."

The idiocy more than speaks for itself.......it also rhymes over a beat. 

"Ooh move your body girl, makes the fellas go. The way you ride it girl makes the fellas go"


Ethnics will always be a commodity. Proof of this is the periodic appropriation of their culture into the mainstream symbolically signalled by a caucasian's successful integration. For example, Hip Hop found a new audience when Save the Last Dance came out. Similarly, Reggaeton had its time and Latinos had the pleasure of shedding Ricky Martin as THE example of 'Latin Music' in the mainstream.   

"There's something oh so sexy about the kinda woman that don't even need my help"

At first I thought this is some patronising bullshit. But, perhaps he genuinely misses the insulting contradiction of complementing a woman for doing a 'man's job'. I can imagine him, in an earnest effort to impress, using the cliched conceit of comparing women to a work of art and suggesting Coolidge's ubiquitous, Dog's playing poker as analogous to their profundity. Cos they're like dogs playing poker init?

"I melt in your hands girl, not in your hands (ha ha)" 


Slags hate this song the way magicians hate the masked magician because it introduces a moment of self-consciousness during their respective 'acts' - something along the lines of, "they already know how this works, so why bother?" The only polite thing to do anymore is to act surprised. 

Conversely, this is the most assuring song. Hearing this song is like seeing John Terry walk into a nightclub.....with a string of condoms shaped like a lasso..."next thing you know shawty got LOW LOW LOW LOW low low"







"Sweat until my clothes come off"


The word 'buck-wild' comes to mind as does the heady musk of sweat and fake-tan bearing on you like a cross. I've heard this compared to "wanking with a hot towel over your head". Intense.





"Bluffing with my muffin"


Powerful stuff. 




And the rest:


Madison Avenue - Don't call me baby

P.Diddy - Last Night (There's something about the combination of a slick beat, talk/singing and dumb lyrics)

Sean Paul - Get Busy / Breathe

Britney Spears - Gimme More

Khia - My Neck, My Back

Chingy - One Call away / Holiday Inn

Usher - Yeah

Nelly Furtado - Maneater

Katy Perry - I kissed a girl

Booty Luv- Some kinda rush

Calvin Harris - Girls

Lil' Jon - Get Low

Kelis - Milkshake

Mason - Perfect

Lil' Wayne - Got Money / Lollypop
Fedde Le Grande - Put your hands up
Eric Prydz - (pretty much anything or anything under 'Ministry of Sound' like this.) 

"What does the word 'winner' mean to you?"

I was once asked this during a job interview.


I mumbled some mess like: if you don't give up you technically haven't lost yet.


Another favourite has to be the often cited Thomas Edison quip: I've not failed, I've just found 'somewhere between 5,000 - 20,000'* ways not to do something.


Motivational speakers love to say shit like this. I've seen audiences smile with the reassurance that this sentence provides, but it blithely conceals the 20,000 wretched sacrifices that were 'necessary'.


What I wish I could have said during that interview was: "winners will not let piss stop them from winning. Therefore I am a Loser because...

I couldn't piss on the side of the road or rather 'race track', in broad daylight, in front of some fans, a mobile camera crew - and consequently the world, or rather worse: the people in the world that are watching specifically to see me because, to them, I am a friend, their child, their sibling, a symbol of hope for our nation, an example for the future - for some small child that wishes to grow up and be just like me and do what I am doing: pissing on the side of the road-cum-race track, in broad daylight, in front of some fans, a camera crew and the world - all of them solemnly beholding a winner squatting down to wee.

I can't handle that pressure. 

But winners can. Paula Radcliffe did. She carried on and won that race.


So what I'm saying is don't hire me; hire Paula".

I'm just saying...

* The number of times he claims to have failed is disputably within this range.

...............................

amen.

I like this and I think you should too.

http://firmuhment.tumblr.com

MTV "you got it if it makes you feel good"

I imagine this song quite literally, which makes it decidedly masochistic.





I imagine the woman has her philandering lover hogtied in a cellar, and with every crying curse she stabs. She stabs her chest searching for a little piece to force down his throat. She guts her gaping chest and forces him to take it.

Another little piece, squeezed between thumb and forefinger, pushed to the back of the throat. His lips stretched taut to tear from the volume of everything a woman can possibly give.

She stabs for another little piece. Clawing and retrieving the scraps of her heart, her lungs, her skin, her bones. Break it and chew and struggle to swallow back the sick. Come on. It's tough, but have another little piece. Come on. Take it.

Christmas is like:

Sometimes...

when the collection comes around during mass I want to throw my money on the floor and say "pick it up".

"This traffic is Ludacris"

 I don't think we should whine about how fucking busy the high streets are this time of year. We (I) should know to avoid them or failing that do something positive like christmas carolling for those stressed shoppers. I was thinking something along the lines of:

MOVE BITCH GET OUT THE WAY. GET OUT THE WAY BITCH GET OUT THE WAY.







OHHHHH NOOOO! FIGHT'S OUT!!!!

Mamma I'm a millionaire, but I feel like a bum...

"If you got dogs then you got bitches. Bitches always out to put their paws on your riches"

The problem begins with the conditional. "If 'dogs' then 'bitches'"* is a simple phallocentric condition with women defined by their relationship to men both semantically (dog/bitch) and logically (If dog then bitch). The construct would be considered the basic faulty reasoning of every misogynist, but this reasoning belongs to the 'dog' alone and is a path that leads back to him**.

Tiger is a fool but he's not an exception. He is not the only married man to cheat. He is not the only man  to cheat on an attractive spouse with an ugly mistress***. These instances are, at a guess, a minority (Jeremy Kyle may contest otherwise) but are interesting to note as we ask ourselves why would you risk it (true love; the distant, faltering feeling of affection) for anything less?

"Why not? I'M TIGER BITCH! BARK! BARK!"

I wish Tiger would declare this at a press conference and roar with satisfaction, like a lion after fucking and gutting bear. Then, clambering on to the press table, he would urinate on the front row in an even manner as if lovingly watering his parched plants. The hot, fetid piss would fill the crowded room with the contempt he feels for the world it would reek of the distrust he holds for women and the disgust he feels for himself and the abstraction referred to as "those other people" - humanity. Ultimately, while stood above the steamy aftermath, he knows he pisses alone.

In someway I believe this is true of every man.


Just remember: "Tiger woulds, y'naw?"

* The contrapositive is, 'no Bitches, no dogs'. That shit is the truth.

** This is a convoluted way of saying "the way you think of others suggests something about the way you think of yourself" which is, of course, one of those 'pearls of wisdom' that appears to says a lot but also nothing at all due to its ambiguity. For example, "I avoid and ignore the homeless" either shows my mistrust and subsequent lack of concern for those less fortunate than myself, or that my repulsion is a prudent measure against the probability of being accosted which implies the unconscious assumption that were I destitute I would seriously consider accosting/robbing/annoying someone that appeared to have money. But, if you think about it, I sort of condone and understand this, and if I didn't it's because I'd be a better class of tramp than you "you fucking loser". It's a veritable "good samaritan's" mess.

*** This assumes he estimates their value solely on appearance, which we would argue does not measure up to the standards set by his supermodel wife. But, perhaps they were more attentive, charming or dominating maybe they had matching star signs or they cupped his balls and whispered to them; who knows? However, Tiger did, supposedly, maintain relationships with a few of his mistresses so he may not have 'settled for less' but perhaps gained more.

SCUM Manifesto

"I am a turd; a lowly abject turd"

This blog is gradually turning into a list of my flaws (vanity, laziness, immaturity, owning a Mac...).

With this in mind, I proudly offer my 'lads' trip to Brighton (for some reason my friend decided the seaside in early December would be the ideal place to celebrate his birthday. As expected the hotel was a dog shit hovel facing the sea. It was the cliche of poor accommodation from the obligatory smell of piss to the dysfunctional and hazardous furnishings. Pretty good for £15 a night tho.)

The conceit of a 'lad's' trip is one that I could easily over analyse for it's insights in to masculinity, but really that's some bullshit.



ANTI - GAME: Misogyny and the fragile ego. 


S: I think our best bet is with the fat chicks.


S: I don't understand what happened... This girl walked past us and smiled and we just sat there on the edge of the table swinging our legs and giggling like children.


A: I dunno what happened. I was just scared of rejection.

The Politics of Aesthetics: Love and loss. 


S: What did she look like?
N: I opened my eyes but then I had to close them.


J: ... I even saw some little blind kid turn his head and start crying.






Denial: Orientalist tropes of the sexually submissive Asian.

V: What? Fuck off! Nah he was just being friendly.

The Super Ego: Delusions of grandeur.


A: I didn't bring ID.





Much love to Valerie Solanas

Buy (RED)

I was recently reminded Lilo was a top-grade ranga and (arguably) the heir apparent to Julianne Moore.

But then she fell off and is now to gingers what MJ was to black people.

But why? You could argue there was pressure from the primitive simps in the entertainment industry, but what were they responding to? You. It is my contention the ranga remains a social pariah, ridiculed for their fiery manes and forced into lies like, "it's more an auburn-y, strawberry blond colour".

WTF son? It's red, ginger even, and maybe slightly orange. Rangas need to stand up.
    




I think we should collectively say, "Sorry Lindsay...motherfucker!".

Don't dye or lie.


Love xx

p.s. 'Dye' and 'die' are homonyms - think about it.

I have reached the nadir of my existence.

My trip to Ibiza

Consider the following:

1.

   D: [Gesturing towards the train stop sign] Bruv, I'd love to live there.

   V: Horley? Why the fuck would you want to live in Horley?

   D: Cos it's Whore-ly, init.  Sluuuuuts!

2.

   D: I dunno what it is, but there's something about paying for a lap dance in euros that really turns me on.

   V: [laughter]

3.

4.

I stopped paying attention to other things after all the boobs.  

10 out of 4 people think I'm an idiot

"Here comes the science bit. Concentrate."


Reviewing tv shows is not really my thing. But the implications of this show are quite interesting.

Predicting the lottery numbers was amazing, right? The explanation not so much. However, what the explanation says about us is what is interesting.

'The Events ' website is carrying out a poll asking you to vote on how he did it.
When I voted (I voted for the third option, 'fixing the machine') 34% believed he used 'the wisdom of the crowds' and a disappointing gap of 7% separated them from the 41% who believed he had fixed the machine, not to mention the 24% who believed his study of numerology and probability were the deciding factors in his success.

I'm not siding with the 41%+ who believe Derren Brown has completely 'copped out' with his explanation (them shaking their heads while triumphantly patting themselves on the back).

Rather, the convoluted and contradictory explanation is decidedly too absurd to believe, and that to be convinced of its sincerity is a feat as shocking as the conjuring of all six numbers (all six yeah?).

I'm hoping there is a healthy, rational skepticism in the viewing public, otherwise his work of alerting us to our irrational superstitions has suffered a set back and this 'Event' may be his greatest failure, not for its outrageous claims but for the percent of you that vote for anything other than a fixed machine.

Also, to the 34% of you, automatic writing? Are you taking the piss?


P.S. If the machine was fixed then surely the results of the draw should be null and void for fear of 'cheats'?

Pss I'll be explicit and say I believe he purposely made that explanation ridiculous and crammed it with the pseudoscience he usually takes apart. For what reason I can't be certain.

Hot like fire.